It has been stated - by me - that the most useful information is that which might be absorbed quickly. Whether true or not is irrelevant, because it gives me a great excuse for this article. You see, ever since Benjamin Franklin was alive, authors who liked to espouse their wisdom would put themselves in the habit of forming small, useful tidbits of advice. This is all well and dandy, and if I'm to be any sort of decent writer for you people I ought to do the same.
Herewith, some things you can read as I attempt to satisfy my ego and sound wise.
Bad advice is seldom profited from.
Senility is like life's version of the music speeding up when you run out of time in Mario.
Why walk when you can run? For that matter, why run when you can wheelchair?
Nobody likes an asshole. People assume they're full of shit.
If you know an obscure language, you can be rude to anyone and pass it off as a complement.
Wordcraft is a much easier way to project an air of wisdom than warcraft.
Good advice is seldom profited from.
Blocking a bullet is like pissing off Lyssa Bee: Anyone can do it once, but to do it twice is an impossibility.
Drinking until you black out is time travel for the Bohemian.
Si intellegis, quam tu mihi lingua mortua.
Once bitten, twice burned, thrice ointmented.
Never bring a knife to a gun fight. Conversely, always endeavor to bring a gun to a knife fight.
It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a trailer park to raise a child poorly.
College is much akin to a trip to Vegas. In certain circles, it will do much for your reputability - but the most lasting gift it gives you is tremendous debt.
No one will remember anything that happened today in twenty years, so go ahead and have that extra shot.
They've never jailed anyone for vandalizing a graffiti mural.
To be quoted repeatedly is to attain immortality.
So there you have it, a collection of aphorisms that you can use to impress your friends! I must stress that you use these at wedding toasts, dinner parties and society occasions with all of your rich, bon-vivant friends. While I can truthfully guarantee that no one has ever been fired or lost a friendship over my aphorisms and advice, I do not think any of my competitors in this field can make this same claim.
Incidentally, if anyone *does* quote me, I'd like to hear about it. Surely one of you - Brugman - has a big academic paper to write, right? Slip one of my aphorisms in there and I can guarantee wholeheartedly and with crossed fingers that your professors and readers will love you forever.
But for now, I must adjourn. Duty calls and Darth Malak won't kill himself.
EDIT: If you somehow managed to find my blog through some place that isn't Google Plus, go here and here to hear my good friend, Lyssa Bee, at Loud Noises! read this post.
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