Presented now, for the first time since I awoke from that dream where I predicted shit for rich assholes, my uncanny prophetic abilities. I shall present twelve predictions; one for each month of the year. Watch as the months go by, dear reader - I think you might be pleasantly surprised!
January: Hot on the heels of the recent announcement that the Neon Genesis Evangelion remake is being concluded, GAINAX announce that they know for a fact that they will once again be disappointed with the ending of the beloved and acclaimed series. To rectify this, they announce that director Tom Six is being brought in on the project.
Six reveals his vision for the franchise's future, wherein Gendo Ikari - the leader of NERV - seeks to make the ultimate anti-angel combat machine: by fusing each Eva unit mouth to anus. We are all left wondering what happens to the pilots, but let me tell you: the otakus eat it up.
February: The United States Department of Education announces that February's spelling will be changed at long last to 'Febuary.' "Honestly, we don't know how that silent 'r' got in there." Secretary of Education Arne Duncan admits, nervously wiping his brow. "We're really sorry it took us so long to fix this." He promptly commits seppuku on live television: shocking all three of C-SPAN's viewers into a terror coma.
March: Dubstep dies its final death as the ever distractable American public hears the twenty thousandth dubstep remix of Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger interspersed with dialogue snippets from Portal's GLaDOS. The combined age of its funerary pall bearers? 17.
April: The author's birthday is marked by the re-emergence of fine oak billiard pipes as popular accessories. The move is hailed by many - including Christopher Lee and the Royal Shakespeare Society's Michael Boyd - as the final proof that I will always be more correct than my dear friend Elisabeth.
May: At the 2012 World's Expo in Yeosu, South Korea; it is revealed that scientists have perfected the means to turn water into fruit punch with a simple packet of dehydrated flavoring. "Really," says Doctor Martin Chen of MIT, "It's the culmination of my life's work." The poor sods in the science team do not know of Kool-Aid. No one tells them. They just don't have the heart.
June: My fiancee moves in. The event is presaged by a monumental, once in a century move: I clean my apartment.
July: Something happens. Someone is quoted as saying something, and the public reacts.
August: The long awaited return of Dragon*Con, arguably the best thing about Georgia, which dramatically understates how awesome it truly is. Since the author and his fiancee will have gotten much of the sex and drinking out of the way in the preceding months, they are actually able to attend the event this time instead of occasionally emerging from their room late at night to drink more.
Patrick Stewart, Micheal Dorn, and Johnathan Frakes - close personal friends of the author - are in attendance, and I finally convince Josh that I bought him that goddamn Ramune two years ago.
September: Hot on the heels of Dragon*Con, Adult Swim announces that they're bringing back their anime block, just because they like pitting their viewer base against itself. "Honestly," says Jackson Publick of the Venture Brothers "I think they might just be pure evil, those fuckers."
October: Without a clear frontrunner in the Republican primaries and election day fast approaching, the remaining Republican candidates are sent to Australia's scenic Thunderdome to fight to the death. The winner will go on to be the GOP's pick for presidential candidate, while the most recognizable corpse is put forward as the candidate for Vice President.
November: Republicans lose, Obama is reelected. I flee to an underwater art deco city of my own, completely original devising; where the artist will not fear the censor. I call it: Ragnarok.
December: The world ends. Ragnarok prevails.
GLASS IS PURDIER.
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