The Best Star Wars Order There Ever Was

V, IV, III, I, VI, II

Ladies and gentlemen, this is, as far as can be discerned by the wisest Star Wars scholars of our age; and I believe that if you take the time to listen to my arguments on the matter, you might just find yourself in agreement.

Let's go ahead and get the easy part out of the way. Namely, the status of V and II. I don't think anyone out there is willing to dispute that II was the incontestable low point of the saga. I mean, in all honesty if it weren't for Ian McDiarmid's scenes in the film, I'd rather watch Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country. I'd... I'd rather watch the original 1979 Battlestar Galactica if not for him! Yes, it's just that bad, folks.

Now, while there is considerable debate on the matter, I believe I'm with the majority here when I say that V is the best film. It had the best story, an amazing twist (spoilers, Vader is Luke's second cousin twice removed!), memorable new characters in Yoda, Lando and Boba Fett, an excellent soundtrack which introduced one of the most memorable marches in modern music - the Imperial March, and so many other perfect little details that I honestly can't see how there's any debate that this is the best Star Wars film. 

Motherfucking pimp, right here.

Now, for second place we have Episode IV. As the progenitor of the series, it's impossible to imagine Star Wars without it, namely because it wouldn't have happened. For this alone, we owe it a debt of gratitude. Still, it's held back to an extent despite some sterling acting by Alec Guinness and Peter Cushing (who, incidentally, played one of my favorite characters of the series, Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin), there are a few less than convincing performances in the film, and some of the finer aspects of the film don't wear their age well. Not that it's a bad film - it's one of the finest ever made, in fact. It's just that it falls ever so short of it's successor, Empire.



Here's where things get controversial. Episode III is indeed in third place. No, you've not developed cataracts and I'm almost completely sober as I write this. You see, if you can put aside the suffering of having to watch Hayden Christenson "act" out his love scenes with Natalie Portman, you'll find some of the finest battle sequences modern science fiction has ever seen, some chilling political and emotional manipulation from the High Chancellor, the rising Emperor Palpatine, and what I dare say is the most satisfying last few minutes in the entire series. Add to that another brilliant score by John Williams - in my opinion, the one that stands best on its own - and you have a winner of a film. It would actually be my favorite if they'd just shot Hayden Christenson after Episode II and brought in a more competent actor. 

Episode I is where many believe it belongs here on the bottom half of the list, but honestly it isn't as bad as people say it is. Sure, it had some really stupid lightsaber choreography, that irritating little tumor Jake Lloyd, Jar Jar Binks - who I still have a rather large, nostalgic, Gungan shaped hole in my heart for - and the plot had a number of gaping holes in it, but this is primarily just due to George Lucas working without his filter. Don't concentrate so much on these flaws. Instead, bear witness to the absolutely sterling work of Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn, some more excellent cinematography, and the best score John Williams wrote since the Empire Strikes Back. If that's not enough, try watching it after packing a couple of bowls or downing a few shots of your favorite libations and you'll see what I'm getting at. If not, take a hit/shot each time someone says 'bombad.'

Finally we have the second to last film in my order, Episode VI, Return of the Jedi. It's placement so low is sure to garner some controversy, scorn and death threats, but I ask that you hear me out on this. You see, it's not that Episode VI is bad or anything. I mean, it has Ewoks and you can see Lucas's filter begin to peel away as people began to fear telling the guy that some of his ideas were bordering on retarded, but the thing is that it's just such an average film. It has none of the wow factor of Empire. None of the originality of IV. None of the uniqueness of I and not a hint of the sense of dread and conclusion that made III shine. It was just such an average sci-fi action flick that only rises to exception for the Emperor, Jabba the Hutt, Yoda and Boba Fett's scenes. Well, that and Luke and Vader's final duel. Beyond that, though? Pretty samey. Not bad or anything. Just... Meh.

So there it is, my ranking of the Star Wars films. It will probably be amended once the new trilogy and Zack Snyder's spinoff film have been unleashed and run their course, but for now, there they are. 

Also, no, I didn't include the Holiday Special, the Clone Wars, Caravan of Courage or that other Ewok film in here. This is because they're terrible and I'd rather watch an abortion or, worse, Alien Resurrection. Oh, wait. Same thing.